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little miss sunshine

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i (still) don't even understand my disease. [May. 20th, 2011|05:01 am]
little miss sunshine
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |mumford and sons]

i stopped going to therapy six years ago.  i took control of my own recovery and failed miserably.  after a drug addiction and suicide attempt, i decided i needed help.  long story short, i called around and found a counselor at a local church..  i met with her for the first time on tuesday.  within an hour session, she shattered everything i'd ever thought regarding my mental health.  she believes i was misdiagnosed.  i will be meeting with a psychiatristic to undergo an evaluation to confirm it, but she believes i have bipolar disorder as opposed to bpd.

just a bit of background information.. i was diagnosed with depression many many years ago when i first began therapy.  with no insurance, i was attending sessions through my city's mental health department.  i was only able to get appointments once a month at the most.  this continued for approximately four years.  i was completely lost in the system.  after being switched between three different therapists (they were transferred to other places), i was "cured" and told i no longer needed to come to sessions.  ironically enough, i began harming myself a month later.  throughout the sessions, i was told it was just normal teenage sadness... depression at worst.  i began researching on my own because after all, what could a complete stranger who saw me for 45 minutes once a month tell me about myself?  that's when i discovered borderline personality disorder.  i brought it to my therapist's attention and she told me it was a strong possibility but we never discussed it any further.  to this day, i've still never discussed it outside of livejournal.

i clinged to that self diagnosis.  it was the only thing that made any sense to me.  and ironically, it was the only thing that made me feel less crazy.  my entire life, everything was dismissed as simple sadness.  not to pull the race card, but being a minority on top of all of this, makes it even harder.  mental health is such a taboo subject in all minority circles, which is why so many of us are dying (literally and figuratively) when there's help available.

so, now i'm back to square one.  i have so much anxiety over what this new diagnosis brings.  i've never taken meds before other than a brief period where i took amitryptline for my insomnia.  (which by the way, i found out that if i do have bipolar, that was the worst thing i could have taken.)  i've always been quite opposed to medication because i felt it was taken the easy way out and i wanted to actually work for my recovery.  but now i'm older and a lot more mature (rational?) in my thinking and i realize that mental illness is just like any other illness.  you can't just wish it away... medication is needed.  coupled with therapy, of course.  i still believe that medication alone is taking the easy/coward's way out.  (i really hope that last statement doesn't offend anyone... just my opinion.)

has this happened to anyone else before?  were any of you misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder or any other illness?  i probably won't find anyone in that predicament here, but i figured it was worth a shot since i'm at such a loss. 

it's been a years since i've updated livejournal regularly.. but, i need this outlet again.  i have a main blog/domain but these aren't things i'm ready to share with the world yet.  livejournal has always been the only thing that feels safe... so here i am again.  i'll be documenting everything here as i try to piece this puzzle back together again.  any insight anyone has to offer is welcome.

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[User Picture]From: flybyus
2011-05-21 06:48 am (UTC)
i know it's not a death sentence.. which is why i'm seeking help. :) it's just a little scary/overwhelming right now. i wish things were as simple as running to the next room to talk to you.. or sitting on the living room floor. i miss you. <3
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[User Picture]From: rage_more_love
2011-05-20 04:15 pm (UTC)
i've been diagnosed with both bpd and bi-polar disorder and of course depression -and feel like everyone i see tells me something different.
i've been on anti-depressants, mood-stabilizers, and mood increasers but never found any that worked on top of an on-going issue with anxiety. so, like you, i took things into my own hands.
i still go to therapy regularly but i don't take medication anymore. but when i was in a darker place i did need that medication to get me through and avoid another suicide attempt.

i wish i had better advice to give you hun then the common "i know how you feel" but i'm here for you if you need to talk. phone was broke but should be fixed now.

i love you, you're perfect.

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[User Picture]From: flybyus
2011-05-21 06:49 am (UTC)
thanks, molly. your words always make me feel better. i don't know what i'd do without you. i love you, too. <3
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[User Picture]From: silverrobyn
2011-05-29 06:29 am (UTC)
Not sure if you remember, but a few years back I was diagnosed bipolar. It can be terrifying, depressing, and relieving all at the same time to find that out. If you wanna talk, you know where to find me. I don't have a lot of answers but I can listen. <3
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[User Picture]From: flybyus
2011-06-04 06:08 am (UTC)
i'll talk to you soon, sister.
i love you. <3
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