|we may die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain.
||[Aug. 17th, 2013|09:54 pm]
little miss sunshine
|||||beam me up - pink||]|
i overdosed on heroin last night in addition to having alcohol poisoning. i keep getting asked if it was intentional but i really don't know. i just didn't want to cry anymore. or feel.
i spent two and a half days in the hospital two weeks ago. i went on our back porch to smoke a cigarette and my roommate/kryptonite found me passed out in the doorway. my blood sugar was incredibly low because i stopped taking my medicine and hadn't eaten a full meal in over a week. (but just don't ask about my appetite. i didn't lose it tonight. no, it's been gone half my life. it's just an act, i've been eating for you. - bright eyes)
i had to "terminate" my pregnancy last month. i start and end everyday watching the ultrasound video that i can't bring myself to delete. the background on my phone is a picture of the little alien in my belly on the night i lost him. do you know how many songs there are out there about losing a child? a fucking lot. i found them all and listen daily. i like to torture/punish/whatever myself.
to pour more salt in the wound, my roommate's boyfriend/exboyfriend is the one who raped me. (wow, this is the first time i've called it rape.) he came to our house last night while she was at work. there was a lot of yelling, hitting, throwing things, etc. he ended up taking my car keys so i couldn't leave.
my exgirlfriend has been on this downward spiral since i ended things, which resulted in her being arrested last night. i knew i didn't love her anymore when we ended our engagement earlier this year. i should have ended it then instead of ruining her life. i don't know when i became the type of person that would do something like this. i don't think she understands how much i wish i still had the feelings i've had for her for almost four years now. i wish i still loved her. i wish i hadn't met someone else..
i wish i wasn't in love with my best friend. or the girl who used to be my best friend. i've done every self destructive thing i could think of to not have these feelings anymore from the drugs to hooking up with any other girl who shows me the least bit of attention. it works for a while but then i'll have nights when it all just consumes me again. (and i don't get waves us missing you anymore. they're more like tsunami tides in my eyes. - ed sheeran) i read through old conversations between us more often than i'd like to admit, but mostly to remind myself of how much of a liar she is. like, when she said, "well, you're not alone this time... we are in this together." or when i told her i didn't know what i'd do without her and she responded with, "me either. but i feel like i'd forget how to breathe. or i wouldn't want to." she's breathing just fine.
withdrawals are awful and all i can think about is getting out of here and using again.