| the blood flows as she cries. |
[28 Nov 2009|10:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 barely breathing |
] |
| [ |
music |
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john mayer |
] |
then she closed her eyes and found relief in a knife.
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| functional junkie. |
[18 Nov 2009|05:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
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cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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ryan adams |
] |
it's 5am. and i'm still awake.
too afraid to fall asleep.
when i close my eyes, i can feel it going through my veins.
these are the times when i hate life.
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[19 Oct 2009|03:51am] |
i can no longer be the one putting in all of the effort.
this ends here tonight.
goodbye.
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| i don't know how to push past this. |
[24 Sep 2009|11:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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ingrid michaelson |
] |
things will never be okay.
fake smiles bring fake friends.
i'm completely over every single one of you.
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| no one needs to know right now. |
[18 Sep 2009|02:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 flirty |
] |
| [ |
music |
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shakira [i can't find the remote] |
] |
how is it that you give me butterflies even via the interweb?
i've become such a smitten little school girl over you.
and nobody knows it but me.
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[15 Sep 2009|08:58pm] |
i think i'll go to boston. i think i'll start a new life. i think i'll start it over where [only you] know my name. i'll get out of california.
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| misery doesn't have company. |
[26 Aug 2009|12:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
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lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
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bayside |
] |
and every night i've sincerely prayed that i wouldn't see another morning.
and every morning, i've woken up to find that prayer unanswered.
lately i've been thinking of not depending on God and actually doing something about this myself.
i know this is not the entry you were expecting.
but i figured livejournal could use some honesty for once.
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| most days, i wish i was anyone but me. |
[07 Aug 2009|10:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
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a better place - corey smith |
] |
thousands of miles away and i'm still the same disappointment. things will never get better.
no matter how hard i try.
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[02 Jul 2009|05:34pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the white tie affair |
] |
so much needs to be said. i really want to document everything that happens this month.. my last month here. right now i'm currently a live-in nanny in loxley about thirty minutes away from my town. for the first month, there were three kids but now there's just the one year old. his name is sean and i adore him to pieces. he really does brighten my day. it's going to be really hard to leave.
 the only person i've really spent any time with this summer is my exgirlfriend liz. we went downtown together last week and she came over and i made her dinner. i'm making her dinner again next week and we're watching harry potter. i really enjoy her company. i'm really glad despite everything that's happened in the past six or seven years, we can still be friends. she was my first love. my first heartbreak. my first girl. i learned so much about myself from being with her. she ruined my life but she helped me piece it back together.
i'm just so comfortable with her. it's great to have someone like that in your life. when i'm with her, everything just fits. perfectly. seven years and we're still going strong. i love our friendship.
on august fourth, i'm moving to california. i'm working as an au pair for a family in lincoln, right outside of sacramento. i've decided to take a semester off from school as long as i can get my loans deferred. i need to figure out what the hell to do with my life. i also need time to adjust to being so far away from everything i love without the stress of school.
i'm so incredibly anxious about everything. i'm excited about being only an hour and a half away from san fran. :) none of you reading this know why.. and i'm okay with that for now. every bit of negative energy has been removed from my life and i'm so stoked about what's ahead this month and i'm really happy about the people i'm sharing it with. it's taken so much to get to this point but now i'm complete content with the people in my life.
things to do before august fourth:
- make mix cds for: mum, breland, william, liz, sarah, josh, missy, molly, sarah, aaron (if you'd like one, let me know)
- finish my new journal (which means filling up several pages daily)
- write letters to: mum, breland, campus ministry girls starting college
- watch all of those stupid harry potter movies
- read "new moon" so i can know what this dang movie is about
there's so much more i want to say. i'll update again tomorrow when i don't have a migraine and can actually focus. goodnight.
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| we'll make it, i swear. |
[28 Jun 2009|11:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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watching jon & kate plus 8 |
] |
you will never understand the dynamics of our relationship. somehow we make it work. still living on a prayer.
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| please take it easy, it can't all be my fault. |
[22 Jun 2009|11:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
snow patrol |
] |
"why can't you shoulder the blame? 'cause both my shoulders are heavy from the weight of us both." this song gives me the chills.
and so does the thought of you.
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| i just need a stronger dose of anything but you. |
[29 Apr 2009|12:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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flyleaf |
] |
i'm a vagabond. my home lies within my passion. i belong on the open road when one hand on the wheel and the other holding a marlboro light 100 out of the window. i can't survive on a calm course of existence. i need constant movement, change, revolution. i need to feel significant. she used to make me feel significant.
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| losing you and it's effortless. |
[28 Apr 2009|11:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the fray |
] |
last night she ended everything and now i'm forced to be my own salvation. i'm really not sure how to even begin doing this. at least now i know that my fear of abandonment wasn't all in my head.
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[25 Feb 2009|12:03am] |
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i'm still here at least twice a week reading your entries and i may continue to update occasionally but i'm mostly here now: www.xanga.com/onevoicewasheard and i would love it if you joined me.
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| my dixieland delight. |
[17 Feb 2009|10:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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exanimate |
] |
| [ |
music |
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le tigre |
] |
random rant: sunday night i was so trashed that i threw up all over the stairs leading to my dorm. i just walked up them a few minutes ago and it's still there. seriously, spring hill college? do you not believe in cleaning?
i have a midterm tomorrow that i haven't even begun studying for. i'm just so over all of this. i've finally had a few serious conversations with my mum about transferring and she's helping me pick a school. california is completely out of the question financially and i'm finally being realistic and understanding. it will happen.. just not right now. the options: university of alabama, auburn university, loyola new orleans, and university of southern mississippi. the only reason auburn is truly an option is because kappa alpha theta launched this spring. pathetic, i know.. but i want to be a theta more than any of you will probably ever understand. and an extra bonus is that i will be surrounded with amazing friends if i move to auburn. loyola new orleans would be an ideal experience but financially i don't really think it's possible right now.. without my grandchildren still paying off my loans after i'm dead. i'm more than likely going to university of alabama and i'm completely content with that. being in tuscaloosa makes me feel infinite and i miss my dixieland delights almost as much as i miss my righteous babes. :) i remember the last time i was there riding around with dana and aaron after the (very upsetting) lsu game looking for food while singing at the top of our lungs: if i could do again, i'd do it the same. not one regret, wouldn't change a thing. and spend my dollar parked in a holler 'neath the mountain moonlight. hold her uptight, make a little lovin', a little turtle dovin' on a mason dixon night. fits my life, oh so right, my dixieland delight. and of course sweet home alabama (roll tide roll) where the skies are so blue.
then somehow managing to sneak a keg into the back of the truck right in front of the campus police and driving across town to sketchville for the drowning our sorrows party. having a cop (no lie) make me the strongest drinks i've ever had in my lie and then offering to drive me back home only to have all of my boys surround him and claim me as their own. having an old friend confess his love for me.. almost five years too late. smoking two packs of marlboro lights in one night because the sky was so beautiful and the conversations were so meaningful. adopting the wise words of corey smith as my weekend motto: "had a [boyfriend] back at home but he didn't need to know." cuddle session with dana while aaron passed out on the couch next to some stranger. waking up the next day swearing i'm never drinking again.. until i'm back in ttown. :) being completely out of control and not having to worry about a damn thing because dixieland delights don't judge and take great care of me. what i wouldn't give to feel that way again.
some say it's a backwards place, narrow minds on a narrow race. i make it a point to say that's where i come from.. ohh ttown, i'm finally coming home.
and with all of that nonsense being said, i'm finally going to study for my gender communications midterm.
goodnight.. and roll tide.
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| can't you see that the charade is over? |
[15 Feb 2009|01:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ryan adams |
] |
i'm completely in over my head. i can't even explain it. she's not at all what i expected. or what i ever dreamed i'd be with. i've been doubting us so much the past week. her distance makes me think she feels it to. but when we're together it's great.. she bought me two bouquets of flowers, a chocolate sceneted bear (random?), and a diamond heart necklace. i bought her dinner.. that was even more than my budget allowed. i'm a starving artitst who's used to being with other starving artists. she's never even heard of jack's mannequin or ryan adams or bright eyes or mayday parade. her headphones are consumed with rap [not hip hop] and country. the latter i can handle. she's never read a donald miller book or could ever understand how shane claiborne changed my life. she wants to be a math professor whereas i believe life defies all logic and reason. this doesn't make sense.
tonight at dinner i felt so trapped. i'm sitting there helping her feed her son and watching people stop to adore our family. yes, our family. that's what we've become. i was born with a suitcase in my hand.. i can't have a family. she'll never understand this. i don't even understand this. i don't even know if this is really how i feel.. or if i'm really starting to fall for her and i'm afraid.
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| birthday, bitches. |
[12 Feb 2009|07:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
plies? yeah, seriously.. |
] |
today is my mother fucking birthday.
tonight will be a shitshow.
that is all.
have a lovely night.
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flybyus's journal
rejuvenated