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little miss sunshine

[ website | making hipsters fall in love ]
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these nights are killing me. [Jul. 2nd, 2014|12:13 am]
little miss sunshine
if we're being honest, the only thing that's kept me alive the past week is that i've been crashing on my best friend's couch and i wouldn't want her to be the one to find my body.

tomorrow is my last night here and i don't know how to survive this. 
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we may die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain. [Aug. 17th, 2013|09:54 pm]
little miss sunshine
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |beam me up - pink]

i overdosed on heroin last night in addition to having alcohol poisoning.  i keep getting asked if it was intentional but i really don't know.  i just didn't want to cry anymore.  or feel.

i spent two and a half days in the hospital two weeks ago.  i went on our back porch to smoke a cigarette and my roommate/kryptonite found me passed out in the doorway.  my blood sugar was incredibly low because i stopped taking my medicine and hadn't eaten a full meal in over a week.  (but just don't ask about my appetite.  i didn't lose it tonight.  no, it's been gone half my life.  it's just an act, i've been eating for you.  - bright eyes)

i had to "terminate" my pregnancy last month.  i start and end everyday watching the ultrasound video that i can't bring myself to delete.  the background on my phone is a picture of the little alien in my belly on the night i lost him.  do you know how many songs there are out there about losing a child?  a fucking lot.  i found them all and listen daily.  i like to torture/punish/whatever myself.

to pour more salt in the wound, my roommate's boyfriend/exboyfriend is the one who raped me.  (wow, this is the first time i've called it rape.)  he came to our house last night while she was at work.  there was a lot of yelling, hitting, throwing things, etc.  he ended up taking my car keys so i couldn't leave.

my exgirlfriend has been on this downward spiral since i ended things, which resulted in her being arrested last night.  i knew i didn't love her anymore when we ended our engagement earlier this year.  i should have ended it then instead of ruining her life.  i don't know when i became the type of person that would do something like this.  i don't think she understands how much i wish i still had the feelings i've had for her for almost four years now.  i wish i still loved her.  i wish i hadn't met someone else..

i wish i wasn't in love with my best friend.  or the girl who used to be my best friend.  i've done every self destructive thing i could think of to not have these feelings anymore from the drugs to hooking up with any other girl who shows me the least bit of attention.  it works for a while but then i'll have nights when it all just consumes me again.  (and i don't get waves us missing you anymore.  they're more like tsunami tides in my eyes.  - ed sheeran)  i read through old conversations between us more often than i'd like to admit, but mostly to remind myself of how much of a liar she is.  like, when she said, "well, you're not alone this time... we are in this together."  or when i told her i didn't know what i'd do without her and she responded with, "me either.  but i feel like i'd forget how to breathe.  or i wouldn't want to."  she's breathing just fine.

withdrawals are awful and all i can think about is getting out of here and using again.
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i can't keep doing this to myself. [May. 19th, 2012|12:45 am]
little miss sunshine
[Current Mood |sadsad]
[Current Music |knox hamilton]

it's been almost a year since my last update.  i only come here when things are coming apart at the seams.  it's that time again.  i came out today: http://corycopeland.net/2012/05/18/gay-marriage-a-discussion.  and i don't think i was really prepared from the fallout of it all.. or having to think about everything leading up to this moment.

i can count the number of times i moved from my computer today.  i just keep refreshing this page to read the comments.  i've done my best to stay calm and lovingly respond to everyone but when you say things like, with God's grace i can change my lifestyle and telling me to admit that i boldly choose sin over his word, all i have to say is... fuck you.

i've gone back and forth all day with being hurt then angry then devastated then sad then angry again.  and now i'm just emotionally drained.  i don't know what to think anymore.  when you're told the same things constantly, a part of you starts to believe it no matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise.  

i thought i was past all of this.  
but i don't really know anything anymore except that i don't want to feel like this again tomorrow.

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one day at a time. [Jun. 4th, 2011|12:52 am]
little miss sunshine
[Current Mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[Current Music |death cab for cutie]

 i'm sorry for not updating.  my life is a mess right now.  however, i did go to therapy today.  and i have an appointment with the psychiatrist and i have no idea how i'm going to come up with the money to pay for it.

i'll post a real update soon.
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i wish there was a method to the madness in my brain. [May. 23rd, 2011|03:23 am]
little miss sunshine
[Current Mood |complacentcomplacent]
[Current Music |sparks the rescue]

it's 3am and i'm taking a break from working to write this entry.  i still have so much to do and i'm starting to feel overwhelmed.  i just need to get through this week and my workload will be back to normal.. somewhat.

i finished my timeline tonight.  i took me a little over an hour and was extremely draining.  i'm not exactly sure how the doctor is going to use it on tuesday, but writing it out helped me in so many little ways.  a lot of things make sense now.  i see that certain events occurred as a direct result of things that took place earlier that year.  i don't know why i didn't think of this myself.

today wasn't a bad day at all.  i spent half of it with my family and the other half in bed getting work done.  overall, i have no complaints.  i just wish my sleep pattern wasn't so off.  i have to work at noon today and i have a feeling i won't fall asleep for at least another three hours.  then, i'll be up all night again.

i want to go to the zoo within the next few weeks.
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sleep. [May. 21st, 2011|07:08 pm]
little miss sunshine
[Current Mood |sleepysleepy]
[Current Music |the civil wars]

i sleep all day now.  it's the weirdest thing.  i went from terrible insomnia to not waking until four in the afternoon the past two days.  i don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

i have to make my timeline this weekend.  my therapist told me to make a timeline of all the major events that occurred in my life each year from birth until now.  i have to bring it in on tuesday so we can discuss it.  i started but stopped halfway through because i have a problem with dwelling on past events and getting depressed.

i don't feel like doing much of anything today.
i'm going back to bed.

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i (still) don't even understand my disease. [May. 20th, 2011|05:01 am]
little miss sunshine
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |mumford and sons]

i stopped going to therapy six years ago.  i took control of my own recovery and failed miserably.  after a drug addiction and suicide attempt, i decided i needed help.  long story short, i called around and found a counselor at a local church..  i met with her for the first time on tuesday.  within an hour session, she shattered everything i'd ever thought regarding my mental health.  she believes i was misdiagnosed.  i will be meeting with a psychiatristic to undergo an evaluation to confirm it, but she believes i have bipolar disorder as opposed to bpd.

just a bit of background information.. i was diagnosed with depression many many years ago when i first began therapy.  with no insurance, i was attending sessions through my city's mental health department.  i was only able to get appointments once a month at the most.  this continued for approximately four years.  i was completely lost in the system.  after being switched between three different therapists (they were transferred to other places), i was "cured" and told i no longer needed to come to sessions.  ironically enough, i began harming myself a month later.  throughout the sessions, i was told it was just normal teenage sadness... depression at worst.  i began researching on my own because after all, what could a complete stranger who saw me for 45 minutes once a month tell me about myself?  that's when i discovered borderline personality disorder.  i brought it to my therapist's attention and she told me it was a strong possibility but we never discussed it any further.  to this day, i've still never discussed it outside of livejournal.

i clinged to that self diagnosis.  it was the only thing that made any sense to me.  and ironically, it was the only thing that made me feel less crazy.  my entire life, everything was dismissed as simple sadness.  not to pull the race card, but being a minority on top of all of this, makes it even harder.  mental health is such a taboo subject in all minority circles, which is why so many of us are dying (literally and figuratively) when there's help available.

so, now i'm back to square one.  i have so much anxiety over what this new diagnosis brings.  i've never taken meds before other than a brief period where i took amitryptline for my insomnia.  (which by the way, i found out that if i do have bipolar, that was the worst thing i could have taken.)  i've always been quite opposed to medication because i felt it was taken the easy way out and i wanted to actually work for my recovery.  but now i'm older and a lot more mature (rational?) in my thinking and i realize that mental illness is just like any other illness.  you can't just wish it away... medication is needed.  coupled with therapy, of course.  i still believe that medication alone is taking the easy/coward's way out.  (i really hope that last statement doesn't offend anyone... just my opinion.)

has this happened to anyone else before?  were any of you misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder or any other illness?  i probably won't find anyone in that predicament here, but i figured it was worth a shot since i'm at such a loss. 

it's been a years since i've updated livejournal regularly.. but, i need this outlet again.  i have a main blog/domain but these aren't things i'm ready to share with the world yet.  livejournal has always been the only thing that feels safe... so here i am again.  i'll be documenting everything here as i try to piece this puzzle back together again.  any insight anyone has to offer is welcome.
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my brain is trying to kill me again. [May. 13th, 2011|03:30 am]
little miss sunshine
[Current Mood |awake]
[Current Music |the dangerous summer]

i don't sleep at night anymore.
sometimes i'll get a few hours during the day.

i feel it.
and there's nothing i can do to stop it.

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i don't want this to be my life anymore. [Nov. 11th, 2010|12:11 am]
little miss sunshine
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |band of horses]

Paranoid Personality Disorder:High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:Very High
Dependent Personality Disorder:Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:High

-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Info --

DisorderYour Score
Major Depression:High
Bipolar Disorder:Extremely High
Cyclothymia:Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:High
Postpartum Depression:N/A
Take the Depression Test
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running into walls. [Oct. 26th, 2010|11:39 pm]
little miss sunshine
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |lakers game]


you refuse to let me go.
for fear of being replaced by my current relationship, you're tugging harder than ever before.  i'm falling apart at the seams and you're still grabbing at the frays you've severed.  letmego.

what's wrong?
i don't know how to respond to that.  how do you tell someone that your brain is actually trying to kill you?  that most mornings you wake up afraid you're going to live?  gradually.. then suddenly.  that's how it always happens.

i wish i could shut my brain off and actually get some sleep for once.  but every time i close my eyes, i see it.  i feel it.  i want it.  i need it.  i can't have it.. so i settle for other areas of control.  but now, even that is taking over my life again.  

i should have listened to what she said.  watching that show was triggering.  and i did learn things i shouldn't know.  why do i continuously put myself in this positions?  i know my weaknesses and i walk right into the trap every time.

when you know about all of this, you will leave.
don't try to convince me otherwise.
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